Shame, Guilt, & Vulnerability

Shame and Guilt are two things that we often feel deeply for any number of reasons. They both can be beneficial cues in life, relationships – even healing, when approached with grace and vulnerability. In order to face these with honest depth, we must first understand them.

Dr. Brene Brown, a shame researcher and author of Daring Greatly, defines shame and guilt separately. She’s built a career around the art of combating shame; highlighting through research, books, TedTalks, and streaming specials how shame directly hinders our ability to connect with others and even ourselves. 

So let’s disentangle shame and guilt for a moment. Take a second to ask yourself: What does shame mean to me? What does guilt mean? 

Guilt

Brown defines guilt as “holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.”

Guilt is actionable, adaptive, and most importantly, external.

Essentially guilt is the idea that I’ve done something wrong.

Shame

Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”

Shame is internal, often self-deprecating, and even isolating. Shame can drive us to move away from those that we need, to ignore our instincts and ourselves by desperately trying to please/fulfill others, or force us into conflict with the people most important to us.

Essentially shame is the idea that I am wrong.

Enter the fierce but terrifying Vulnerability. Brown notes vulnerability as a key way to build resilience against shame.

Let’s pause a moment; What comes to mind when you think of vulnerability? How about when you see others display vulnerability?

Vulnerability has always held an interesting place in our world – one that we celebrate in others while deriding in ourselves. Vulnerability is a tempest in itself as it wraps us up in uncomfortable, intense emotions, baring our scars for the world to see. We fear it as much as we can be swept away in it. Often, it opens up means for the possibility of failure, of rejection and weakness. 

What makes vulnerability such a powerful tool against shame is one simple thing: it allows us to connect as we truly are. Our experiences – our successes as much as our failures, our pain and our joy – are all part of what creates us as a whole. When we take that (armed with appropriate boundaries) and interact with the world, we connect. 

Brown has spent decades extensively studying how to arm herself against shame. She’s delved into the dark, hoping just as much as everyone else to find an answer that avoids becoming vulnerable. Time and time again, however, her research has led her back to the same answer:

Vulnerability can become our strength when given the grace to do so.