WTF Are Boundaries?
A common word that I’m sure we’re all familiar with at this point is “boundaries.” But what are boundaries, really? Everyone seems to have a different opinion or approach to them.
The literal definition of a boundary refers to the line you draw (literally or metaphorically) to mark an area of ownership. Which is completely valid, but leaves us with a bit of head scratching when we try to apply it to the less concrete - in your face - aspects of out lives. So how does this pertain to people and socializing?
I like to think of boundaries as how we choose to approach the world, because we cannot control how someone approaches us and our boundaries, but we can control how we respond to them.
Boundaries are multi-level. They also exist in just about every relationship we have in life: partners, family, friends, employment, and even down to the one-off people we interact with. They aren’t always a hard no – they can also be maybes or even soft yeses with limitations. They can take shape because of intimacy issues, privacy issues, and everyday interactions. Boundaries grow as we grow, changing or disappearing throughout our lives.
Lets solidify this with a quick crash course.
Three simple ways to define boundaries are:
Rigid – hard no. Nothing shall pass this fortress wall.
Permeable – everyone walks all over these like they don’t exist.
Flexible – the middle ground, the goldilocks sweet spot. These boundaries are meant to protect as well as help us grow and often are born from collaborations or compromises.
Faith G. Harper, author of Unf*ck Your Boundaries, categorizes 7 different kinds of boundaries.
Physical – boundaries of touch, both of others touching you and you touching others.
Property - boundaries that deal with the things we own or even lay claim to.
Sexual – boundaries regarding physical and emotional aspects of sex as well as aspects of our sexual selves.
Emotional-Relational – boundaries that demonstrate respect for our own personhood and the personhood of others. These deal with not only how we want others and ourselves to feel, but also not taking responsibility for other people’s emotions.
Intellectual – boundaries dealing with thoughts, beliefs, ideas, and our access to information/opportunities to learn.
Spiritual – boundaries around our belief systems, how we practice them, and what we choose to share (not force) with others about our beliefs.
Time – boundaries regarding the expenditure of our time (days, hours, minutes, etc).
With that crash course complete, take some time to consider your own boundaries. Now, keep in mind that boundaries are what you make of them. Your life will ultimately dictate the shape and form of your boundaries, as well as how you enforce them.
Harper, Faith G. PhD. Unf*ck Your Boundaries: Build Better Relationships Through Consent, Communication, and Expressing Your Needs. 2nd ed., Microcosm Publishing, 2020.
Want a workbook? She’s got that too!
